My room smells like vodka and shame
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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