I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
