I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
