i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
