No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
