We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
