you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
