I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
