I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize