Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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