At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
