He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
