Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
