Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
