that's an acceptable place to lick
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
