At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
