I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
