Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
