i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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