So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
