Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
