I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize