I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
