I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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