Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Randomize
