You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
