Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
