you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She even gives head with a lisp.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
