her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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