I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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