he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
