im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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