Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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