dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
