Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
