My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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