How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
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