Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
