Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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