apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
