You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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