This is not my ceiling
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
