ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
