Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All the doctor said was why
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
