I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
im on a boat
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