I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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