well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize