I just pynch a tree in the face
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
