My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
