What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
