have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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