So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
