My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
