So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
