Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize