so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
