Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
