I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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