You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
