It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
