I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My hand turned me down
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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