I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
