Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize