so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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