oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
