I accidentally had phone sex last night
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
