I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize