We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize